the who

Disclaimer: scatter brained post here.

So much on my heart. Where to start? I drafted this particular post a million times over in my head. Seriously. I did. I even picked out a picture of a positive pregnancy test that I was gonna use to fool you… but then say “YES, this is real. Let the paperwork pregnancy begin!” And then you’d laugh and be all happy for me…

But it’s not about me.

Oh wow, I can barely contain myself right now. I had no idea the elation, the joy, the wide-range blend of emotions I’d feel at this very moment. It’s like I peed on the stick hoping, yet already knowing in my heart. But to see the lines AND know her face! To tell the world AND see God’s hand move in those around me. Agh! I’m beyond humbled. Beyond excited. I think my heart is going to burst right out of my chest.  

Okay breathe. Back to it’s not about me. Ha! See, I’m merely a work in progress here. And surely, I have a long way to go. 

As you read before, the second our hearts were set on adoption we began feeling around for the path He’s already laid out. Even though we stumbled upon Reece’s Rainbow, we needed divine confirmation. I prayed for little glimmers of grace, like breadcrumbs that would escort us directly to our child. We prayed and prayed and waited.

I talked to several agencies that week seeking some sort of direction in all of it. A foster care agency was my first phone call. But when I spoke with the representative, she informed me that foster care is strictly for families willing to care for a child until they’re reunited with their mothers/fathers. There is only a 50 percent chance we’d be able to give them our name in the end. Now, at this juncture of our lives, with the ages of our children (5, 3 and 2) it would be unbelievably difficult to say goodbye. Let’s face it, to be a foster parent takes some serious faith. I imagined myself loving this child, taking them into our home, integrating them with my own children - only for them to be ripped away, while I’m left in the dark wondering their fate. Then, to explain it to my young kids? Maybe what we are doing IS the safer route. However, it’s where we feel lead. Maybe we'll foster in the future, maybe not. Either way, I'm an advocate of all kinds of adoptions, and saying that any one route is superior, well that's just foolish. 

With that path blocked (for now anyway), I consulted various private agencies looking to match their babies/birth mothers with good families. Did you know you can adopt unwanted frozen embryos? Crazy. At any rate, most birthmothers are looking for infertile couples aching to start a family. Could I stand in the way of that? I already have a full boat. Moreover, I got uncomfortable reading about open adoption. That’s all fine and dandy because of course it’s what’s best for the child, I agree. Wholeheartedly! But how open is TOO open? Does my kid really need monthly visitations rights with their birth parents? Maybe I am just naïve in the matter, but again, these thoughts concerned me enough to detour us.

Onto International adoption, which was the last thing on my mind. First turn off, I heard about the cost. $30,000 on average is just ridiculous. How on earth can we come up with that kind of money!? Second, we’d have to travel, as in halfway across the globe without our three young children. Third, it takes a long time, the road is grueling, and well, truth be told, I suck at maintaining my inbox, let alone paperwork of that magnitude.

But there I was sneaking back onto Reece’s Rainbow, nonchalantly browsing faces. I told myself not to look at names, I told myself not to look twice, there are just so many to save. I looked at no particular country… just someone that looked a bit like our own. I mean if they’re already going to stand out with visible features- sportin’ an extra chromosome, do I really want them to feel like they aren’t a part of us, the Collins clan? That may be different for you and anyone else reading… please don’t think I am against multi-racial families. Not so. He loves them red and yellow, black and white… (or is that unPC now?) and I am no respecter of persons. As the world looks on, I simply want my child to be identified as such, my child, no questions asked.

Scanning the faces of the little girls ages 0-2, a certain blue-eyed cherub seemed to pop from my screen. She was perfect... her deep blue eyes, her creamy skin, her doll face. I know what love at first sight feels like three times over, this was similar. Defying my own counsel, I peeked at her name. Elizabeth. It has stuck to me since. I tried hard to ignore it especially since Adam was certain he did not want to ‘choose’ a child…   I gave it to God. If nothing else I’d pray for her. Except, in my heart of hearts I knew she was our daughter. Later, I shared her picture with Adam. To which he responded with glee “Okay! let’s do this…” Way-way-WHA? But that's how God has worked. When my faith waivers and the doubts creep in, Adam points me back to the promises on which we stand. That my husband is "all in" is confirmation in and of itself..

I cannot explain it to the masses, some things are just meant for Adam, some just for me, but I tell you, everywhere I went, everything I did, it pointed back to her. A sermon, a song, a verse, a person. A devotional. Everything was affirming us that she is indeed our daughter.

"Who am I that He would choose me to be her mother?" you ask. "Who am I to take on so much more than I can wrap my head around?" I will tell you. i am nobody. Which is precisely where God manages His best work. Flawed, messed up sinners, with nothing to offer but an empty vessel. If what I have to grasp is far beyond my reach, then HE alone is my oath.

So you see, it's no coincidence then that Elizabeth, the name, literally translates: 'God is my oath.' How's that for confirmation?!

So much more to catch you up on... but for now, take a look at her page on Reece's Rainbow!

THANK YOU for your kind words. I am so blessed by your encouraging/supportive spirit. i still doubt the prospect of raising 35k, but so far, He's told me, "it's all taken care of. things are in motion..." So shout for joy with me, will ya? Our God is so GooD.