the why

It was the summer of 05, we had just circumnavigated that treacherous first year of marriage, Adam was attending school full time while I took on various nanny/tutoring positions. Yup, I was out there bringing home the bacon, doing exactly what I do now.

Believe it or not, nursing school is pretty hardcore. They advise against employment of any kind. And yet, he worked 24-hours a weekend at the local hospital. Combined with my income as a nanny we were able to make ends meet - eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches most nights. Adam is a debt nazi, still is.

For a big chunk of that time I felt like I was in limbo. I had no clue who or what I wanted to be… I veered in the direction of child development for a degree’s sake, but a clear "you are here" sign was harder to come by. (Remember I still hadn’t a clue what ‘feed my sheep’ meant.) I enjoyed many hobbies… bike riding, acrylic painting, guitar, makeup, photography, reading, journaling, and Rick Steves on PBS. I knew I loved to travel, but at this point I became obsessed with it. I wanted to go places, experience culture, learn history. Break free!

Aspiring to see the world, I changed out of my nanny clothes and clocked in as a professional at Alaska Airlines. Unfortunately, what I thought would fulfill my dreams turned out to be a living hell. I hated life. Ever seen the show Airline? THAT WAS ME.  It was so miserable. Even though I had the benefits of world travel at my fingertips, my name appeared at the very bottom of a very long list marking my seniority within the John Wayne Airport branch. And they treated me as such: scum.

I quickly left the company with not even a phone call to say: “I quit” or “sayonara suckers!” I simply disappeared. I know. I know. That was so not professional on my part. But truly, I made my point.

Though I couldn’t see it at the time, God’s hand was still sovereign over my every [foolish] decision; always making our brokenness into something beautiful, He is. Isn’t it amazing how even our mishaps and mistakes somehow work into His purpose for us? Leaving Alaska that summer was possibly one of the most life changing decisions I've made thus far. A decision that lead us, HERE.

Back to what i do best.

I can remember the outfit I picked out for the interview: a long sleeved black button down shirt, dark denim jeans, and Mary Janes.  The agency warned me of the boy’s condition. But I figured after nannying a teenager with Asperger’s for over a year, among countless other seriously dysfunctional families who employed me; I could take on anything. I prayed on the doorstep then rang the bell. It opened. Standing there behind the door was a two-year-old boy with Down syndrome. His mom welcomed me into their living room. As we talked, he bounced boisterously about the house mimicking his mom's day to day activities -wearing my purse on his shoulder, talking on a cell phone. He seemed just like any other 2 year old, only young, unable to talk, and extra happy. As you can imagine, she called the next day. i got the job. But I think that night i already knew. I knew because he wasn't like any of the other children… this one, in particular, was going to steal my heart.

His mom gave me complete charge of his care. That alone is unlike any other nanny position. She entrusted me with everything from doctor appointments and various therapies, school carpool and swim class, to taking him places like Disneyland and Aquarium of the Pacific. I had a credit card to buy whatever he needed, a car seat to get him to regional center and, AND she paid me well. We could go and do anything we wanted. We were two peas in a pod for a long time. I was very happy taking care of him, teaching him sign language, and taking notes from his therapists on how to work with him at home. One day I brought him back to our house so that Adam could see what i was talking about.  Of course he swiftly stole Adam’s heart too. And together we loved him like a son. Because really, ‘easy to love’ seems to come with the territory with these kids. It was as if he held his soul on display for all to see. A soul so pure, so undefiled, it was awe-inspiring. Angelic.

Our adventurous one on one time together was so special. Then, surprise! I became pregnant with Evan. Not ready to say goodbye, I continued working with him, baby Evan in tow. Needless to say, the boys quickly became like brothers –completely inseparable. Attention was a bit more split, but everywhere we ventured as a family, he would come too.

Before long, Rachel was on the way, thereby leading us to seek out a larger home.  With the travel back and forth from the OC,  the stress house hunting entailed, and plans to move on the horizon, I knew the heartbreaking time had come. On June 21, 2008 I kissed him goodbye at his 5^th birthday party. The hardest part of all, he didn’t know/understand I was not coming back.

Fast forward a few years. Our lives are full, and blessed we are. Still, a piece of our hearts are missing... and so, we leave it up to God to patch up those holes.

As for the little boy who initially stole our hearts, he may never know the lives he will save. 

PS - the news? you'll have to wait. :P i know. I'm on pins and needles too!