the road of purification

evidently i fell off the face of the earth over here! Sorry! That's so unlike me. for reals blogging is a form of therapy for me. when i'm not blogging you'll know something's up.

what's up? oh nothing...

Papa is out of the hospital!!! as of last night. Praise God for His faithfulness, but man what a whirlwind of a trial.. even still as he recovers.

we are slowly but surely inching our way toward our Ellie. It's been a rough summer to say the least! and i'm praying that the worst is behind us, but i'm not so sure.

our homestudy is wrapping up with our training classes. that should be fun! Hoping we will learn a ton about the ins and outs of bringing a child home from a foreign country as well as any words of wisdom for some of the struggles that may arise. surely we know this will not be some happily ever after story once she's home; that said, i don't think we know fully what we're in for. educating ourselves as best we can for those scary "what ifs" is our major goal right now.

praying for lots these day. for Ellie's care, her health and safety, for her heart to be guarded from any extra heartache be it physical or emotional. and mainly for us to work out any issues we may have that could be potential problems for her, our already-here-kids, and obviously our marriage.

the reality is there is just so much i am feeling i need to work on these days. as hard as that is to publicize it's the truth. i feel more and more inadequate during this daunting wait.  i see God gently refining me through oh i dunno trial after {miserable} trial as He smooths out the muck in small and big ways, paving the way for all He has for us, for her, for His glory's sake.  it's so not fun to see your own sin and struggle with it and struggle and keep on struggling. it's ugly. defeating. especially since we are "more than conquerors.." and i don't always learn from my mistakes. im stubborn i tell you. command my flesh to die and there will be war.

I know it's all part of the pilgrimage. i am trusting that we are where we need to be right now. and that He is Fathering our baby girl like he says he is as, "a father to the fatherless.." I'm trusting He knows what he's doing. well, to be honest, my mind trusts but my heart is still catching up. or maybe vice-versa. ?

these past 11 days have been brutal. it's her birthday this month and she'll be 2! or maybe her birthday's come and gone. i know it's in September, nothing else - as much as i've pleaded for more info. and you know, it's heartwrenching to not know anything. my mood's been affected by all this more than i thought it would be. i feel down lately. i've isolated myself a bit, in hiding from the pain but of course feeling worse as i wallow. i know there are others out there who sympathize, i just haven't found many. what i mostly find through all this journaling is dead air. i want support and i have to realize that support most likely will not be found through a blog post. or fb friends' "likes". I need tangible people in my face. but somehow that's the struggle. to let other's in - in person. transparency on the net is one thing, transparency in live action is another.

by and by i will learn. no doubt the hard way. pray for me friends as i trudge forward on the road of purification.